What’s up?!!
Hi everyone…
It’s being a while since my last post…
I don’t know what to talk about today. Maybe that I bought new shoes… Or that I went to a boring conference yesterday…
Oh!! I watched the VMA’s on sunday… Man, that was BORING!!!!
VMA’s used to be the best award show! What happened to it?! I miss the crazy and sexy performances Britney used to make… I miss the great videos that used to win… It was all so cool and the best artists in the world used to show up! Now it’s a bunch of begginers and wannabes being voted by their devoted fans… Next year people won’t even remember who won, who performed and who are that people! It was way better when it wasn’t chosen by the fans…
And what about Lady gaga?! Really, am I the only person who doesn’t like her and think she’s TOO much?! All she does sounds and looks fake to me… She claims she is different, fresh, crazy and independent, but come on! It’s clearly marketing! It’s not her, it’s the people behind her… Who was Gaga 2 years ago? No one… And with a team like that, even I would become a huge celebrity worldwide… I don’t think she’s that big deal…
I’m addicted to Glee now! It’s the best show ever! Can’t wait to see Britney’s episode! Their performances are really cool… And Puck is my favorite character! He is so ironic, rebel and mean… And I love that! And Mark Salling is cute too… LOL
I also finished reading Victoria Beckham: Learning to fly… It’s her autobiography, that was released in 2001 I guess… She is so funny! I didn’t expect that! I had a totally different image of her… She’s not just Posh Spice, she’s a normal person! Or at least used to be! I got really impressed with her… She’s very honest, fun and nice… I had read Geri’s books before, and the way Victoria says that Geri lied is the best! There’s is one time when she actually says: In her autobiography Geri says we knew that she was leaving the band, but, unless she thought we were mind readers, that’s pure bullshit! I just laughed…
Thats what I’ve been doing… How about you?
See ya soon! And I promise it won’t take too long…
Be back on Monday!
Have a great weekend!
XoXo
The If Only Girl…
My playlist
Yesterday I was on the bus, going back home when I decided to make a new playlist on my Sony Ericson phone!
It’s called “September 1st”… Take a look:
01 ) Victoria Beckham – A mind of it’s own
02) Backstreet Boys – Incomplete
03) Backstreet Boys – Like a child
04) Backstreet Boys – More than That
05) Geri Haliwell – Calling
06) Backstreet Boys – Sick as my secrets
07) Geri Halliwell – Desire
08) Extreme – More than Words
09) Coldplay – Fix You
10) NSync – Falling
11) Emma Bunton – Free Me
12) Fugees – Killing me softly
13) Melanie C – Here it comes again
14) TLC – Waterfalls
15) Beatles – Help
16) REM – Shiny Happy People
17) Red Hot Chili Peppers – By the way
18) Emma Bunton – Por Favor
19) Gabrielle – Out of Reach
20) Red Hot Chili Peppers – Otherside
21) All Saints – Never Ever
22) Melanie C – Nothern Star
23) REM – Losing my religion
24) Bon Jovi – Livin’ On a Prayer (acoustic)
25) JC Chasez feat Justin Timberlake – Leaving on a Jet Plane
26) NSync – It’s Gonna Be Me (acoustic)
27) Beyonce – Irreplaceble
28) Alexia – Uh La La La
29) NSync – Girlfriend (Neptunes remix ft Nelly)
30) Aerosmith – Girls of summer
31) Backstreet Boys – Poster Girl
It’s a pretty long playlist… But it’s also a pretty long way back… I guess you can realize my mood just by checking out the songs I’m listening to… I really need to renew my phone, but I just don’t have time, so I keep on having the same 300 songs on my phone all the time…
I stopped living in the dreamland… I already noticed this was happening… But I gotta tell you, reality sucks!!! Can’t wait to get out of this shitty job! I’ll be here for a month, and then just say I want to leave… I can’t take it anymore! It’s too boring! And it demands so much out of me! My life is just passing me by… I work, work work, and never have any money! Of course… I have a paycheck of 350 dollars a month, who can live with that? And I know it’s not gonna be increased and it’s gonna keep on being this same thing forever… I won’t grow here! It’s gonna be stopping me from doing all the things I like and what I dream about doing someday… It has even killed my alter ego!
So, what you think about my playlist?? A lot of BSB in it… and Spicy (in their solo carreers)… And the cute JC! Oh, he is the man of my life! LOL
See ya soon!
The If Only Girl….
PS: There’s no PS today! There are many songs on the playlist, just pick one yourself! =P
And Free Up Your Mind!!!!! \o/
I need a break!
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m just cathatonic…
I read about a new outfit that has some kind of technology that senses the mood of the owner and say some confort words… I really need something like that today…
At least I’m not stuck inside 4 walls with nowhere to even look at anymore…
I got a window now… The view is to a gas station and some trees… But thats not bad!
My head spins, sometimes it looks like I’m gonna faint, I’m really not fine….
I want to go home so bad! I’m breaking!
I don’t wanna start crying at work again… They’re gonna think I’m crazy here…
I just need someone to help me to go through the day… In 2 hours I’ll be leaving… I gotta hold on til then…
I really don’t wanna freak again… I’ve been trying to avoid it for a while… some months maybe… But this time, it really looks like I’m gonna fall apart!
I thought that writing was going to help! It did for a while… but now I feel like a freak who writes for no one!
If there is anyone out there just say hi!
The If Only Girl…
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell…
I feel sick today… My body is weird… my stomach isn’t fine, my head is spinning and I feel weak… Threw up again this mornig… And I’ve been avoiding to vomit again all day…
Gosh, I’m such a problematic person! There’s so much going on inside of me, all at the same time! I just wanna go home, stay alone and sleep… Sleep for a very long time, and not be able to wake up for the next 3 days at least!
Sometimes if feels like I’m surfing in a bunch of jelly…
Or stuck in a pogo stick with no way out… I get tired, I fall, but it’s just not possible to stop jumping… Or I fall on the jelly, and just keep slipping around from one side to the other… I don’t go anywhere… Just stay in that inner circle moving from one side to another, feeling ill… I just want it to stop!! Freeze for a moment while I get myself together, cause I’m just so lost… In reality, in dreams, in depression.. Who am I? There are many versions of me, there are pieces of me everywhere… I feel empty and alone, but at the same time, with so much going on…
I need a break from life! Some vacations at an unknown place, so I can stop thinking! I want my head to stop working… I’m losing so much energy… My spirit is being suck out of me… When I dream, I get just fine for some hours, until I wake up and see none of that is real and it’s never gonna happen… When I’m down I cry, I get scared, terrified, I just break down… And when I’m in reality I keep thinking “If Only…”
If only I were rich… If only I were pretty… If only I liked my job… If only life was simpler… If only I could wake up…
This is my escape… Writing has allways being such a liberating thing for me… It allways make me feel better when I translate my feeling into words… Yesterday it was a good day, but I can already see that the bad days are coming back… I allways feel it… I’ll have a miserable weekend, and will come to work looking like a piece of s**t on Monday…
Any way, Today I wanted to talk about relationships… I had some bad experiences at mine… I had only 2 serious relationships until now… One of them lasted 3 years, and everyone considered him the perfect boyfriend… I ended up by thinking he was boring and sticky… We broke up, and I started going out with another guy… It lasted 6 months… He was that kind of bad company, hated by parents, you know?! That’s what I was looking for at the time… There was just one problem, we had chemistry when flirting and talking, but the kiss was =P… And I discovered the sex was even worse… I had to dump him! I have my reasons to believe he is gay… that kind of guy who acts all macho, but hides what he really likes… That’s lousy! I think that if you’re gay, than be gay! Don’t hide it! That’s so Village People!
I started bothering him and getting really mellow… Acting jealous, sweet and sticking on him like my ex used to stick on me… It worked really well! In a month he had disappeared! After that I had no serious relationships… Just a little thing here, other there.. No big deal! And I have to say, honestly, I don’t believe in relationships anymore… at one point you get tired of the other…
Although my alter ego has the perfect relationship, it’s hard, but she’s allways making things work out! I cant’t say his name, cause you’d know it… So, let’s call him C. … They went through cheating, letting the other down, kidnapping, all kinds of weird things you can imagine… And are still together… Their happy ending would be getting married and having 3 children…
This is one of the things I don’t understand about me… Do I believe in relationships or not? I can’t get what my thoughts really are…
Please don’t think I’m crazy… YET! You haven’t seen anything! One day I’ll talk more about that imaginary life… There’s a hole biography in my head… Don’t get scared by me!! But I gotta admit, Scary Spice has allways being the one I most identified with…
Gotta go!
The If Only Girl…
PS: To read listening to: Matchbox 20 – Unwell
What the Heck?!
That’s the question I keep asking myself sometimes! What the heck am I doing????
I have a lousy job, at a lousy website, that pays 350 dollars a MONTH… And I don’t even like it! I’d be lying if I told you I’m that kind of positive person who says: Yeah, I know it doesn’t pay well, but I really love my job! =D
Gosh, what the heck am I doing here?? I guess earning 350 a motnh, working 9 hours a day, 5 days a week, is less worse than staying home and get nothing…
Of course that when I went to college and decided I wanted to be a journalist I didn’t know that it was so damn hard to get a job at this area… And that I would be so low payed! Even if I worked cleaning toillets in a hotel I’d be getting way more money than here… So, again: What the heck am I doing here?? Or better, Why the heck am I still here??
When I started at this “experience of 3 months” (I haven’t even being hired yet, and I actually call it “exploration of three months”) 2 months ago, I felt so terrible! It was so awful! I went home crying on the bus every single day! Don’t ask me why I cried… I don’t know! Sometimes I even closed the door of my office and just started crying here… All I know is that I cried and felt desperate to go home! To leave, run away… Go take a trip to Turkey or Egypt and stay for more than a month without letting anyone know where I was.. Of course I couldn’t do it… I don’t have money to go away.. And my parents would go crazy! My dad is in fact one of the reasons why I got this job… The boss is his friend, they did some business together…
Before I started working here life was pretty simple… I just stayed home all day, watching TV, downloading things on my computer, trying to get Nick Carter’s attention on twitter, playing the Sims… But I felt incomplete… I was down and depressed.. I didn’t want to go anywhere… But I thought: It’s fine, I’m only feeling like this because I don’t have a job! I’m doing nothing, and when I start working, getting my money, meeting people I’ll be just fine… I need a job! That’s the solution of my problems!
Guess what, it wasn’t! I even told that to my psychologist… Once I get a job, and have things to do, I’ll be better… I graduated on college last year, in december… I had worked in a magazine before, about boats and tourism… I was just an intern there, and used to get around 200 hundred a month… Of course I worked just a few hours a day, and I loved it! I liked the job (I had almost nothing to do) and the people I worked with… But the office in my town closed, and I had to leave… Then I stayed with no job for a long time… Even after I finished college it took me around 6 months to get a new job… and it’s this! =/
I’m not fine… But at least I’m not as bad as I was when I started here anymore… It brought all my fears, insecurities, anxiety and diseases back! Unwittingly I resumed throwing up again… I coulnd’t eat a thing! I already woke up feeling ill… Ill and fat… A fat cow… I spent all day with only water and a bread or a cookie in my stomach… That really wasn’t cool… I used to have bulimia… Eat, feel guilty and puke… That was my routine… Than I started being anorexic… Not even eating at all… and if someone made me eat, it was easy… I ate and then threw it all up… But now, I didn’t even try or think about doing it… It just happened… Even if I ate nothing or just drank some water, I vomited… I knew it wasn’t right..
I spoke to my psychologist, she said I was getting into a depression all over again… gave me some medicine, I felt less anxious… I felt almost fine… a little jaded, but fine… I stopped with the vomiting… But got addicted to the medicine… Still am… I sleep so well when I have it… It’s like a drug to me… When I don’t have it I get bloody awful! Irritated, down, I can almost hear those voices inside my head saying I won’t make it without the medicine… There are 2 versions of me: The high one and the low one… Both them are so, so bad!
But that’s the way I manage to live… I do have some clear moments when I think straight and ask myself: What the heck am I doing with my life? What the heck is happening to me?? I used to be so pretty, so happy, so lively!! I was the kind of popular teenager.. well, not actually popular, I just hang out with the popular people… I never fit in really well… I sat in the back of the classroom, with the unruly ones, hang out with the populars and was inteligent as a geek… I even liked to pay attention to the classes.. I liked to study, to write, to learn… Still do! But I never understood who I really am… I was allways everywhere, with all kinds of people…
Sometimes when I just want to get away from it all, instead of going to Turkey or whatever, I just trip inside my mind… I have an alter ego that has made all her wildest dreams come true… She is pretty, she is hot, she is fab, she is all I ever wanted to be! She’s pop, has a wonderful boyfriend, great friends, she’s rich and famous… Her name is Marcela Müller… Kinda italian, kinda german… or french, I don’t know… I don’t even know where that came from, but I grew up with that person in my head, making her stories, giving her an amazing life… You’ll know more about her later… She’s a huge part of me, and of the life I have inside my head and my dreamland… she’s the mainly character!
Maybe she’s the reason why I stoped living… I noticed I would never be anything like her, and just gave up… I know that’s not right, but, for now, there’s nothing I can do about it…
I have no clue of what tha heck I’m doing now or what the heck I’ll do then… and you, do you know where the heck your life is going?? Got some advice for me?? I’ll take anything, baby!! LOL
See ya soon!
XOXO Gossip Girl! hahahaha Just joking a little! 
It’s “The If Only… Girl” in case you don’t know it yet…
PS: To read listening: Ebony an Ivory – Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder (And don’t feel sorry for me… Feel Trashy, cause that’s how I feel! =P )
Or maybe, if you don’t feel like getting into this trashy vibe, listen to Aerosmith – Jaded…
Hello world!
You have no clue of who I am… And I have no clue of who you are… I don’t even want to know! Let’s keep things this way…
I decided to start this blog to expose myself… I need to show who I really am, to show what’s inside me, before I start drowning in it… I don’t think I am crazy… But I’m not normal either… That’s kindda funny actually. I’m like this since I was born, I’m a dreamer, who prefers to live in this perfect world inside my head than in this stupid, boring and gray reality…
Guess what song just started on the radio?? Madonna: Rain… Wow… That’s so much coincidence…
It’s a rainny day, and that’s what I wanted to talk about… It has a lot to do with the way I’m feeling lately! Everything around me looks sad, depressive, rainy and GRAY! The city is full of gray buildings, my wardrobe is full of gray clothes, the sky is gray, the cars are gray… I can’t see color anywhere! Actually, I couldn’t… The weather is so funny, maybe it’s the global warming or something! As I walk down the street, the rain poors and it is getting me completly wet! I look up and there is a huge cloud above me… God, this is such a perfect metaphore!
I walk a few more blocks and the rain stops! Well, no, it doesn’t… on the other corner it is still raining… I cross the street and it’s raining! I go back to the other side, and it’s not! The sun hides, and then, comes out all the time… Maybe I’ll see a rainbow today… I take the bus to go to work and the radio start playing Tom Jobim, a brazilian musician… It’s a happy song! With a nice melody… I like it, it cheers me up!
On the 2 hour way to work, I get my book… I’m reading Geri Halliwell’s “If Only”… I have allways being a Spice Girls fan… Ginger was my favorite, along with Scary and Posh… But, being the blond one among my friends, I had to play Emma… =P It’s not that I don’t like her, it’s just that she allways has that big smile on her face, acts like a happy child and looks like a baby… I’m not like that at all! I know they aren’t together anymore, but sometimes I get retro… And lately I went back to the SpiceMania… I wanted to know more about them, so I bought 5 books: “If Only”, “Just for the record” (both Geri’s), “Catch a fire” (Mel B), “Learning to fly” and “That extra half inch” (Victoria)… I paid less then 5 dollars for each…
The first one I started reading is Geri’s book… It was such a good surprise! It’s great! And I totally identify with it… I feel like I am the If Only Girl… And that’s how it started… This is where my idea to the blog came from: An ex-Spice Girl bio! You would never tell…
Anyway, as I finish my lecture on the bus, I close the book, put it back in my purse and think about that hole story! Geri is not at all as I thought she were… she’s not that confident, she’s not that challenging, not that bold… she’s just like any other girl.. Like me! She was lost, just passing through life, trying to make it, to be famous, to find something to do with her life… And she did… she talked to me through her story and her book… “Thank you, Mrs Halliwell” is the thought that comes to my head… It’s not that unusual to feel like this… In fact, it’s more common than you all think to be depressed, to feel down, lost, without a voice and a goal in life… Anorexia and bulimia are also more usual than you think… And those are the things that me and Geri have in common…
I look outside the window and I see a rainbow… A bright, colorfull, shinny and beautiful rainbow! I got it all! I got the message, I understood… Gray and sadness are needed in life, cause without them you don’t see and appreciatte the beautiful things! If it was sunny all the time, rainbows wouldn’t exist… Rain is needed… and it can be beautiful…
Just like dreaming… To dream is a beutiful thing as long as you don’t get stuck in it and stop living the reality to live in your dreamland… That’s something I desperatly need to change! If I keep on living inside my head, I’ll stop living… I’ll just exist… and the shock when reality comes along will be even more scary… So here’s what I want to do: Register my dreams, my thoughts, my craziness… and let you know how it feels when I receive that reality check…
Just for the record: It’s big! It’s weird! And it might frighten you away…
I’m obssessed, compulsive, depressive, a maniac and scared… all at the same time… I’m schizophrenic… Bipolar… Neurotic… Upset… This is me! Nice to meet you!
XO
The If Only Girl.
PS: To read listening to: Madonna – Rain
